Sometimes it Just Isn't Easy

Sometimes it seems that life and I are not friends at all anymore, if ever we were.

It gets hard when things refuse to go right. When the money is gone and one is reduced to the kindness of others only to find there are few who wish to be kind because they don't particularly like me.

Many times I have considered people who have given up completely, and I have always said to myself that they should just have hung on a little longer. And yet I find that now I, too, consider the merits of giving up.

It's hard.

His voice then shook the earth; but now he has promised, "yes once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heaven." This phrase, "yet once more," indicates the removal of what is shaken, as of what has been made, in order that what cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:25-29 Revised Standard Version

Everything that can be shaken will be shaken. That's just the way it is. So what of faith? My faith?

It's hard to keep going. It's hard to endure. It's hard when one doesn't know what to do anymore.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the equipment of the gospel of peace; besides all these, taking the shield of faith, with which you can quench all the flaming darts of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that utterance may be given me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. Ephesians 6:10-20 Revised Standard Version

My scripture reading just a few minutes ago was Acts, chapter 27. In this chapter the Apostle Paul is being transported to Italy. The ship encounters a storm and all is lost - except the lives of the 276 people on board. They suffered without food fourteen days, fearful of their lives. An angel of God came to Paul to assure him all would be well. Many is the time I have wished God would send an angel to assure me.

But there is no need for the assurance of angels. God has given us the Holy Scriptures, and we must believe them or we will not believe an angel should one come.

Abraham said to him, "They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them." And he said, "No, father Abraham; but if one goes to them from the dead, they will repent." But he said to him, "If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead." Luke 16:29-31 New King James Version

So to endure is weariness. It is hard.

I am a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise. So, as much as is in me, I am ready to preach the gospel to you who are in Rome also. For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith, as it is written, "The Just shall Live by faith." Romans 1:14-17 New King James Version

When is Love Over

Genesis Chapter One (New King James Version)

[1] In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

[2] The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

[3] Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light.

[4] And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.

There are a couple of things which come to my mind every time I read these verses. The first goes back to the first time I read them, as a child. Read the first two sentences again. Does anything strike you as strange?

Well, maybe strange is the wrong word. But think about this. When you create something, whether of clay, machinery, Lego Blocks, or whatever, do you create it without form and void? Who does that?

And when you read the third sentence another thing becomes obvious: before God created light, the earth existed. So did water. And darkness.

These things have mattered to me since I was a child. The most likely answer has been one that a lot of Christians are loth to accept: God did not create the earth in seven days. He fixed it in seven days.

The earth was here, but destroyed, when God said, "Let there be light." He had created the earth, and all of the universe around it. Then, something happened. "The earth was without form, and void." The most likely cause of this destruction was the fall of Lucifer from grace. When he turned to evil he destroyed everything around himself, including the earth, which apparently had been his place. Then, like a good mechanic and auto body specialist, God took the damaged remains and rebuilt the earth, filling it again with life, but this time adding new elements, such as grass, and human beings. He also seems to have given it a timetable to a predetermined end, after which he will take it all apart and rebuild it from scratch.

A few years ago I discovered a website devoted to this concept. It is here, if you wish to check it out for yourself.

But what about Lucifer? We call him Satan. The Devil. He has a host of other unpleasant names, all of which he has earned. But what about him? What is God's attitude toward him?

I will give you my belief up front, and then present a few reasons why I believe it. Whether you accept my thinking as rationale, stupid, or heresy, I'll leave to you.

I think God loves him. I really do.

Why? How?

Well, first off, is not God love? Certainly, what come from God is love.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 New King James Version

Another point, and this comes from Genesis 1:4, where God looks at the light he has just created and sees it as "good". God did not create anything, or anyone, "evil", or "bad". Why would he? Consider these verses, written by the Prophet Ezekiel. They are agreed to be written about Lucifer himself.

..You were the seal of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty...You were perfect in your ways from the day you were created, till iniquity was found in you. (see Ezekiel 28:12-19)

Satan was not created evil. He became evil. So, if he was not created evil, is it not reasonable to believe God loved him? Why would he not love someone who was so perfect? He loves us, and we're far from perfect.

But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 New King James Version

So God must have loved Lucifer. Now, let's read what God says about love.

1 Corinthians Chapter 13 (New King James Version)

[4] Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

[5] does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

[6] does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

[7] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

[8] Love never fails.

If God ever loved Lucifer, and love never fails, then God still has to love him. That just makes sense.

So why bring this up?

Because of something someone once said to me. She could not accept that God would ever send anyone to hell. It was beyond her to comprehend how a loving God could condemn someone to hell, despite what the Holy Scriptures say.

Well, do we not all agree that the Lake of Fire is exactly where Satan and the demons are going? And is it not true that Satan is Lucifer, turned to evil? And is it not true that Lucifer was once perfect and holy before God? And did not God love him? And does not love continue forever? And is not God sending a being (and others) into hell who he loves?

So why not us?

It's a matter of progressive logic, people. But the people, demons, and whatever who wind up in the Lake of Fire wind up there because they have rejected the true God of the universe.

Romans Chapter One (New King James Version)

[18] For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness,

[19] because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them.

[20] For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse,

[21] because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

[22] Professing to be wise, they became fools,

[23] and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man - and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

[24] Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves,

[25] who exchanged the truth of God for hte lie, and worshiped and served the creatrue rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

It doesn't have to be that way. We just need to seek the real God the God of the universe.

Matthew Seven (New King James Version)

[7] Ask, and it will be given t oyou; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

[8] For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

[9] Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

[10] Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?

[11] if you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things t othose who ask Him!

[12] Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Murder is Not the Way of God

Was checking one of my email accounts on Yahoo and saw a link to a disturbing news story.

Abortion doc George Tiller Gunned Down at Church.

Now, to be honest, I'm not all that thrilled about people having abortions for reasons other than health but, guess what? It's the law of the land. That means it's legal people. You don't like it? Then ask the government to change it. They won't? Then live with it. And let others live with doing it!

The people who have been sinned against with this one hateful act are manifest.

There is George Tiller himself. Murdered.

There is his family, some of who probably witnessed it. There are the people who were in attendance at the church. There is society itself. And let's not forget God, which the murderer so clearly did. God is not happy when anybody commits murder. And doing it in His name doesn't make it any better.

Writtenwyrdd recently posted on her blog about banning books. (She's against it, by the way.) The general feeling of those who commented was that people who are in favor of such fascist thinking are people who do not live the faith they purport to support. And they're right.

Consider Jesus. Just yesterday I read in John 8 how religious hypocrites brought a woman caught in adultery to Jesus for judgment. This is the account.

Early in the morning he (Jesus) came again to the temple; all the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery (where was the man?) and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such. What do you say about her?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus looked up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again." (parentetical pieces mine) John 8:2-11 Revised Standard Version

If you would follow Jesus - follow God - then act toward people in LOVE. Jesus did not condemn people, so you don't condemn people. Jesus accepted people for who they were/are. So you accept people - for who they are. Do they sin? Sure, they do. But guess what? So do you. And do you know what? Your sins, though hidden, might actually be worse.

Be careful about associating with those who speak hatred toward "those who sin". They are speaking against you, you know. Is that what you really want to be like? Is that how you wish to be judged? Had this man who committed this murder truly been thinking of God, and what God wants, and how God judges, I do not believe he would have done this deed. Is this how he wishes to be treated?

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give wil lbe the measure you get. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eyes? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Matthew 7:1-5 Revised Standard Version

The message is clear. Why is it we so quickly forget it? And now a man is dead.

Are You Rich or Are You Poor

And as he was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and knelt before him, and asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Mark 10:17 Revised Standard Version

It's a question many of us have asked. Some continue to ask it. Oh, maybe we don't use those words, but the question is there. How do I get to heaven?

The punchline answer is, "die". But that's actually the last step, not the first. If you're not on your way there before you die, you certainly won't be after.

So what do you (do I) have to do to get to heaven?

Do you pick up the arrogance in the question? There's an assumption there which is an affront to God. Fortunately, he knows we are flesh and silly and will treat with us on our level, so we can understand him. That's why he became flesh. So we could understand.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. John 1:1-3 New King James Version

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14 New King James Version

The assumption, of course, is that we can somehow "earn" our way into heaven. We can purchase the right through some deed, or series of deeds, on our part. And that if we were to accomplish these deeds, God would have no choice but to let us in. In effect, we would have more power than God. I think that's what Lucifer tried to do. Just look what happened to him.

Now the truth is, there is something we can do to get to heaven. We can obey God. But that's reactive, not proactive. God speaks to our spirits, and how we respond to him will ultimately determine our future.

This story of the rich young ruler is repeated in the Book of Matthew. There, Jesus' response to the young man is recorded thus:

So He said to him, "Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments." Matthew 19:17 New King James Version.

Keep the commandments. Of course, we can guess the young man's response to that, and Matthew also records that.

He said to Him, "Which ones?" Jesus said, "'You shall not murder,' 'You shall not commit adultery,' 'You shall not steal,' 'You shall not bear false witness,' 'Honor your father and your mother,' and, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 19:18-19 New King James Version

That pretty much covers all commandments from God. The key to remember here is, "from God," not from man. We mortals have a tendency to add and subtract from God's commandments.

The young man felt he had achieved all of this, but he still wanted to hear it from Jesus. Why? Because somewhere inside himself he probably still felt empty and unsure. His next question supports this theory, for it suggests he senses he is still lacking something. He was.

The young man said to Him, "All these things I have kept from my youth. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. Then Jesus said to His disciples, "Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Matthew 19:20-24 New King James Version

When people are rich they have a difficult, if not impossible, task of understanding their need for God, forgiveness, and mercy. Heaven is not a concern. Either they assume they are going, or they don't care one way or another.

I think it is important to point out that a person can be rich in things other than money, and that those other riches can be just as much a deterrent to seeing heaven as money itself. In the movie, "Pirates of the Caribbean", Jack Sparrow accuses Will Turner of being obsessed with treasure. Turner gets indignant and denies it. Then Sparrow says something profound: "Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate." He's right. It's not.

A lot of people who have little, or no, money are rich in other things. Perhaps it's their spouse. Their children. Their fame. Their power. Their friends. Could be anything, really. If we focus on those other things, and money is included in this list, to the point where God is falling out of his place of importance in our lives, there is an excellent chance that God will make us "poor" in order to make us understand where our needs really lie.

It's a horrible experience to lose money, people, prestige, possessions, talent, health, whatever. But if we allow the experience to turn our hearts and thoughts to God, it will ultimately be for our own good. And in due time we will regain those things, people, abilities that we lost. How do we regain someone who has died? But biding our time and living our life until such time that God reunites us in heaven.

It's horrible, and we go through a very natural phase of being very angry with God. Don't get too bent out of shape about getting angry with God. He understands. And he's not intimidated by our anger. He will not respond in kind. He will respond in kindness.

Psalm 103 New King James Version

[1] Bless the LORD, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name!

[2] Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:

[3] Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases,

[4] who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,

[5] who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

[6] The LORD executes righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.

[7] He made known His ways to Moses, His acts to the children of Israel.

[8] The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.

[9] He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever.

[10] He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities.

[11] For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;

[12] as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

[13] As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him.

[14] For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.

[15] As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes.

[16] For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

[17] But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children,

[18] to such as keep His covenant, and to those who remember His commandments to do them.

[19] The LORD has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.

[20] Bless the LORD, you His angels, who excel in strength, who do His word, heeding the voice of His word.

[21] Bless the LORD, all you His hosts, you ministers of His, who do His pleasure.

[22] Bless the LORD, all His works, in all places of His dominion. Bless the LORD, O my soul!

Quiet Time

Tried to post earlier today but lost interest in my topic and bailed.

It's been hard for me to keep an interest in a lot of things for a while. Guess that's why I quit posting. Not just here. I abandoned all six blogs for a time. Just a few days. It's been nearly a week since I've visited another blog, too.

I have thought about calling it a day and just letting the blogs go silent. But the Legion Blog is a co-produced blog, and I owe it to the other Authors to keep that blog going. I made a promise to try and keep this blog going, too.

But - sometimes - a person just wants to hide. To forget about what is important and only think about frivolous things. No more elected officials pretending they care about anyone other than themselves and the people with money who will keep them in office. No more religious fanatics spewing hatred at Christians, Muslims, Jews, Gays, Lesbians, Democrats, Republicans, Conservatives, Liberals, Blacks, Whites, Foreigners, War, and who knows what else. Just - get away.

We all need rest. Too often we become caught up in the world's fast pace and we come to believe in the importance of doing things. What a waste.

Mark (chapter two) New King James Version

[23] Now it happened that He went through the grainfields on the Sabbath; and as they went His disciples began to pluck the heads of grain.

[24] And the Pharisees said to Him, "Look, why do they do what is not lawful on the Sabbath?"

[25] But He said to them, "Have you never read what David did when he was in need and hungry, he and those with him:

[26] how he went into the house of God in the days of Abiathar the high priest, and ate the showbread, which is not lawful to eat except for the priests, and also gave some to those who were with him?

[27] And He said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is also Lord of the Sabbath."

So what's the point? The point is this: the Sabbath was created for man. Why? Because people need to rest, and God knows how silly we can be. So he gave us an edict. Rest one day in seven. It is not a sin to work on the Sabbath. But it is sinful to work every day of every week. It's a sin because it is hurtful to ourselves. We burn ourselves out emotionally and physically and spiritually. Then we get sick.

Sometimes the phrase is quite right: Give it a rest. Just for today.

I Am Weak and Foolish

Did not read my scripture this morning. In fact, I don't believe I read it yesterday, either.

Been paging through the New Testament looking for a specific verse which has troubled my mind since I first read it back in the 1970s. Hadn't been able to find it, even using Strong's Concordance. Found it. At last. I was beginning to think I was remembering something that wasn't there. But here it is:

James (chapter three) Revised Standard Version

[1] Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, for you know that we who teach shall be judged with greater strictness.

[2] For we all make many mistakes, and if any one makes no mistakes in what he says he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body also.

The reason I couldn't find it is because my Strong's Concordance is based on the King James Version, which I do not regularly read. I do read the New King James Version, but that has been modernized, too. This is how it reads in the King James Version.

[1] My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall received the greater condemnation.

[2] For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.

By speaking out publicly, I make myself to be a teacher, and thus bring myself under the "stricture judgment", and "greater condemnation".

This bothers me. Often. But I so want people to know that God loves them. That God forgives them. That God wishes to talk and live with them.

To hear many television preachers these days one would get the impression that God insists on significant life changes in order to receive his love and forgiveness. But this just is not so.

Romans (chapter five) New King James Version

[5] Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

[6] For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

[7] For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.

[8] But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

[9] Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.

And here it is in the King James Version.

[5] And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

[6] For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

[7] For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

[8] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

[9] Much more than, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.

It bothers me that I am not a stalwart of faith. I am not someone to whom others can look and say, "I wish I were at least like him." No. Anyone who aspires to be like me has low aspirations indeed. My consolation comes from 1 Corinthians.

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will thwart." Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the pwoer of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than me. For consider your call, brethren; not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth; but God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in th epresence of God. He is teh source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom, our righteousness and sanctification and redemption; therefore, as it is written, "Let him who boasts, boast of the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:18-31 Revised Standard Version

The Ultimate Sorrow

We just finished speaking with a neighbor from across the street. His son, who was living with his first wife, committed suicide some time Monday evening or Tuesday morning. I felt sick. Which is nothing compared to what he (and his ex-wife) are feeling. I can imagine no worse feeling than losing a child to death - by any means.

It is as I remind myself so often: I don't have to look far to find people who would love to trade problems with me.

How do I ease such pain? I held him when he told me, and I held him again when we parted. But that comfort is like being given a few coins to pay off your house. The tears of this are going to stain his life henceforth. Hopefully, he will find strength in the love he shares with his surviving children.

It turns out this was not the boy's first attempt. He has been in and out of hospitals to be treated for his depression, and other issues. The help just didn't take. I do not know how things are after death. What I do know is God loves children. We are all children to him, but those we call children seem to keep a special place in God's heart. I pray that this little boy has found peace there at last. Peace that he never could find while here.

Oh, that we could help each other find peace.

Mark (chapter ten) New King James Version

[13] Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them.

[14] But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God.

[15] Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not received the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it."

[16] And he took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.

Hurting People

I tend to be of the self-pitying sort. That's nothing to be proud of, of course. It's just true. I look at my life, the mistakes I've made, the things which just haven't worked out, and I feel bad about how things are. Even so, I understand that a good number of the things that I'm unhappy about are, in fact, my own doing.

A lot of misery is our own doing. It's called sowing and reaping. I waste my money and then have nothing to fall back on in times of crises. I quit exercising and eat heavy meals, so I got fat. I'm fat, so I have poor health. These are things I could have prevented before they even happened. They're my fault.

The world's financial collapse is not my fault, however. It was not my fault my company was sold, nor that the new ownership decided to dump half the staff. Floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, and earthquakes are not my fault. A lot of misery just happens.

Misery comes to so many people. When I was completely separated from other people my feelings of self-pity grew. Now, having met so many people on-line, I have come to realize that I hardly have a monopoly on suffering. In fact, there are untold numbers who would just love to trade problems with me. I have my spouse and my son. They are neither sick, dying, or gone. I have met people on-line who can no longer say that.

I have met people who are in danger of having their marriage revoked. Nothing I have to deal with. Yet.

There are people with such broken hearts it makes me seem cheerful on my worst day.

There are people who think so little of themselves they make me seem a tower of strength and confidence.

Hurting people. All around the world. I feel for them. It's made all the worse in that there is so so little I can do. All I know to do is love them. Care about them. Really care, I mean. Not this phoney, yeah I care, now get lost kind of thing. I have cried over some. But I can't help. I've no money for those who need that. I cannot raise the dead nor heal the sick. I cannot make anyone other than myself love another person. I am nearly helpless.

All I can think to do is point. Not a finger of condemnation and destruction, but of hope and inner release. I point to God, who I call Jesus. I realize most people do not like the idea that Jesus is God. They use a different name. That is fine. There is only one God. What we call him is less important than that we acknowledge him. The real him, and not a figment of our imagination.

Matthew (chapter eleven) New King James Version

[27] All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the ones to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.

[28] Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

[29] Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

[30] For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

If you are troubled in heart, seek out God. The real God. Call him by whatever name you will. Just ask him if he will come talk with you, and live in your heart. Then begin to read God's holy word. You will find him.

Matthew (chapter seven) New King James Version

[7] Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knowck, and it will be opened to you.

[8] For everyone who asks receives, adn he who seeks finds, adn to him to knocks it ill be opened.

[9] Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

[10] Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?

[11] If you then, being evil, know how to give good gives to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

[12] Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the law and the Prophets.

Look for the answer. God always answers, but often in ways we do not understand until a lot of time has passed. So don't go thinking God has ignored you. More likely, you have not been paying attention to God. Don't presume to know how God will answer your prayer. Just know that he will.

God's Eyes

The world is filled with broken people. I don't mean just because of the world's economic collapse. Millions of people are suffering due to finances, but that is not what I mean by being broken. Broken people are usually damaged at a young age, not adults. People who are lucky enough to make it to adulthood without being broken generally never have to worry. It's when we are young that we break. And I think we're breaking more young people than ever before.

How do we break people? By teaching them lies about what is important, who is important, and how to be important. We teach young girls that they have to have the right curves in the right proportions in the right places or they are homely, ugly, useless, and unwanted. We teach boys that they must be virile, strong, athletic, and financially well off or they are also useless, disgusting, and without any value.

The sad thing is that, because young people trust their parents, teachers, and other adults, they believe the lies. So when they are faced with the fact that they are not "pretty", athletic, ever going to be rich, they see themselves as failures. We teach most people that they are failures, and by the time they leave home they are convinced of it. And it's not just our own children we teach. We teach everyone.

Children don't just listen to what we tell them. They also watch how we live our lives. We tell them people are most important, and then they watch us ignore people in favor of money. We tell them God loves everyone, and then they hear us rail against the Democrats because they support abortion, or the gays, or some other group. We tell them America is a country of freedom, and then they watch as we support new laws to take away other people's liberty. We tell them we trust God, and they watch us panic and forget to even mention God when things get rough. We don't even wait for his response when we bother to ask. We try to do it all on our own.

So why shouldn't they break when they see that everything we truly hold dear in our lives are the things they are not?

I used to selfishly think I was in the minority, feeling worthless, useless, and completely without value because I am not pretty, wealthy, famous, charismatic, or a host of other things. But on-line I have met so many who suffer as much - or more - as me. My heart breaks for these people because - from the outside - I find I can see enough of what is inside them to know they are truly beautiful people. But they don't see it. They don't believe it when I tell them it is so. They've been lied to too many times by too many people. Like me, they are broken, and my efforts to help them all seem to fail.

I look at these people who are hurting so bad and wonder how anyone could possibly believe God does not love them. There's a gentleness about them. They are the poor in spirit.

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LOD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 New King James

We don't even try to see with God's eyes anymore.

Matthew (chapter five) New King James

[3] Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

[4] Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

[5] Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

[6] Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.

[7] Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

[8] Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

[9] Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

[10] Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Confessions of a Reformed Hypocrite

I wonder about myself. A lot. There is no doubt in my mind and heart that should most Christians see my life as it really is, in my home, every day, my thoughts and such, they would probably wonder if I even am a Christian.

Well, if being a Christian means thinking thoughts they say I should think, and doing things they say I should do, and not doing things they say I should avoid, then I'm not. Used to be. Kind of.

When I existed in my cloister of like-minded creatures it was easy to see everything and know everything. But I slipped and fell, and in so doing left that cloister and found myself in the real world, where real people live with real problems. People have real feelings. Their hurts are no less real than my own, and often are more so.

One of my very dearest friends (whom I have never met) was hurt recently. It's been a long time (to me) since I've heard from her. I'm fearing now that I will never hear from her again. That is such a lonely feeling, despite the fact I have other friends. It brings home the parable of the lost sheep and coin.

Matthew (chapter eighteen) New King James Version

[12] What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying?

[13] And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray.

My friend has not "gone astray". She's just gone. From me. But I have no doubt she continues to live an honorable and happy life with her family, as she did before. I just miss her.

These are the kinds of things I became exposed to when I left my cloister. I fell in love with people I used to think I should not fall in love with. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about love. Loving someone from the heart and not wishing to possess them. Only seeking their happiness and good will. I've met so many people like that. Most are women, yes. But that's just because I relate better to women. But there are men within my circle of influence.

Several of my friends happen to be lesbian, or bi-sexual. This, I know, would cause great consternation from my old cloister friends, who do not seek me out, by the way. Not since I fell. I suppose they always had their doubts about me anyway. I wonder about me, too.

But I can't bring myself to criticize gay people anymore. I've met too many now to return to what was. No longer do I view them as "those people", and talk about them as though they were characters from a novel and therefore had no feelings or spirits to concern. Now they're my people, because I call them friends. I don't know them well, but I know them. And when they cry because people stand in hatred against them and say they can't be married to the person they love, I find myself crying with them. I find myself wishing I were a lesbian so I could stand with them, arm in arm, and cry together that there is nothing wrong with love! I see their love for each other and I am ashamed of things I said a long time ago.

How can I, having spoken against real people, claim to be in God's blessing? I read from Luke this morning. It was the passage about the Pharisee and the publican. I read it and find myself wondering which man I really am.

Luke (chapter 18) Revised Standard Version

[9] He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and despised others:

[10] "Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.

[11] The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, 'God, I thank thee that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.

[12] I fast twice a week, I give tithes of all that I get.'

[13] But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me a sinner!'

[14] I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other, for every one who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I know which man I should be, but am I really that man? Or am I deluding myself with false humility?

What I have found in going on-line and meeting all of these people, is that I care about them. I get to know them and they matter to me. And the more people matter to me the less I find I can speak judgment over things they might be doing. For one thing, I am seeing my life as far worse than anything I can accuse others of. And I don't want to accuse others of anything. Not anymore. They're my friends now, and I love my friends. I want to make their lives better. Not by telling them what to do and not do and how to live their lives. But instead by just accepting them for who they are today, and not worry about the rest. I just want to love them, and hope that that makes their lives better. At least a little.

And when I lose them, it hurts. It hurts so very bad. And it's lonely. Too many friends are silent. And one may be gone forever now.

"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" Mark 15:34 (a portion) Revised Standard Version

The words of Jesus when he was rejected by God.

It's not too unlike that to lose a friend. The Cloister will call that blasphemy.

Confessions For a Friend

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog some defining moments in her life. I was not aware of them and was kind of thrown by her confessions. But confessions is the wrong word. It implies some sort of wrong-doing on her part, when the truth is she did no wrong. These things happened to her, not because of her. There is a big difference.

She encouraged her readers to reveal some defining moment/s in their lives, but I was not able to right off. And as I have pondered some of my defining moments I realized they were not things I should reveal in someone else's comment trail. If I am going to confess them, I must needs confess them openly. I must display the same kind of courage she did. So I am posting.

Well, not the same kind of courage. I'm posting here, where only one person has ever left a comment. And that person is no longer blogging. So I am making my confessions in an empty room. Not so brave after all.

So what were some of the defining moments of my life?

Probably the first was watching my mother's red face as she shouted at me how much she hated me. I hate to say that was a defining moment, but I was no older than five. And it was a scene repeated many times until I finally left home and didn't go back.

For some reason it sticks in my mind that as I was coming up the stairs to the living room where my parents were talking with my maternal grandmother, I heard they were talking about me. I tried to slip back down unnoticed, but still overheard my grandmother saying, "I feel so sorry for Bevie." I have no idea what she was talking about, but after forty years the memory remains vivid.

I remember the first time (and only time, by the way) I asked someone out for a date. I was told to wait for answer. Then I learned that there was a table of about twenty who were laughing at me, led by my intended. I learned this from one of the revelers who saw fit to let me know. Not to be nice, though.

It was a defining moment when I later fell in love, but dared not confess it for fear of another humiliation. It was a defining moment when I changed school for half a year. I met someone who liked me, and we were becoming friends. Then, suddenly, without explanation, I was cast away. All efforts to recommunicate were rebuffed without a word.

When I fell in love with someone older, and then learned I was just a plaything, that was defining. So was the first time I spent the night in a lover's bed. I thought it would be wonderful, but all I felt was guilt. Ultimately, though, that would lead me to God, and an understanding of forgiveness. I can still recall that first night. It was as if I could feel God enter my body. My room was lit as with a glow. I could read my books by it, and often did for that first year.

A few years later I thought I was to be married. I kept us "pure", resisting hints to take advantage of our alone times. Then, my would-be fiance suddenly returned to a previous fiance and was married. I was just a last fling. An amusing toy.

I resolved to keep myself alone. But then someone showed an interest. Having lost someone for "being pure", I willingly gave myself in order to please. The result of that was a reversal of the night I found God. It was as if I could feel him leave, and since that day I have questioned my status with God continually. I leave myself to his mercy and forgiveness. Without that, I am without hope.

This sense of abandonment has made me weak. It has filled me with fear, self-doubt, and even self-loathing at times. It has broken me, possibly beyond repair. I am easily manipulated by those who enjoy such things. I became a willing cyber partner for someone who gave me kind words, as long as I did what I was told. And to hear (read) the words, I did.

My defining moments have not made me stronger. They have brought me ever lower. It is why I write so often of my fear of hypocrisy, for I look at myself and see that I willingly give myself to those who would pretend. For that reason I am terrified when my friends have to leave, for whatever reason. I try not to be afraid, but I can't forget all the times when others, having taken what I willingly gave, decided they needed no more from me and left. Of course now I am both old enough and fat enough that nobody wants anything physical from me. In that regard I am now safe. The fact is, I have nothing to give, except a willingness to accept and love.

My life became lonely because I didn't know how to live it.

I have new friends now, and that may be my greatest defining moment of all. I can give them nothing, yet they still like me. They visit me and they encourage me. They are accepting me for who I am, which is broken. A few have done that in the past, but they were all forced to leave. Stephen was the last. After he left I had no one. Now I have several. It is a defining moment. May God forgive me for being so selfish over it.

But that is why I am a hypocrite. I preach a godly life, but the false promises of love still entice me. I am a weak person. Yet if God can forgive me, he can forgive anybody. And if I can love anybody, I know God loves them more. For I cannot love more than God. So if I tell you I love you, you can know God loves you, too.

So, if you are a broken person. If you find yourself giving in to wrong in the hope of tasting love, remember that God loves you. I know this. For without meeting you, my heart yearns to comfort and help. If I do that, who wallows in low places, how much more God, who is the Spirit of Love?

In honor of you, my friend, I have written this confession of defining moments. I hope I have not said too much. Please forgive me if I have.

Watching Out For Me

Thought I would be more ready to write something today. After all, we got back yesterday morning. Only I'm still frazzled from the trip.

I confess I did not read the Quran this morning. Barely remembered to read my Bible. We did do a family time, and that went long, about an hour. My personal reading was in Luke: the Beatitudes. Our famly reading was in Matthew: the parable of the sower.

What was interesting about my personal reading was that part of it included Jesus' position on censure and reproof.

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condem not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For the measure you give will be the measure you get back. Luke 6:37-38 Revised Standard Version

Why is it so easy for us to forget these verses? Especially when we preach from a pulpit on television? I saw another one this morning as I changed stations. There he was, waving his arms and ranting and raving about "someone else" who was/is behaving badly. I suppose I have no right to moan about them, but the message I receive from them is that they believe they are without sin. That is just not true. Not for them. Not for me.

It is easy to be an extremist. I've done it. Maybe you have, too. There are two reasons which come quickly to mind to explain extremism. The first is an ugly reason: control. Phonies often take extreme positions in order to garner a following. Suddenly, they are important. Never mind that they don't really care about what they preach about, be it faith in God or which team is going to win the NCAA Basketball Championship. They just want to be important, and taking an extreme position makes them so. In their mind. And, alas, in the minds of many others who want to believe what they say is true. God talks about this.

But understand this, that in the last days, there will come times of stress. For men will be lovers of self, lovrs of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, inhuman, implacable, slanderers, profligates, fierce, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding the form of religion but denying the power of it. Avoid such people. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 Revised Standard Version

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander into myths. 2 Timothy 4:3-4 Revised Standard Version

The second reason I think people become extreme is fear. We are not fully settled in what we believe, and so when we hear anything contrary we become afraid and consider it a threat to be wiped out. We try to pass laws which force people to believe as we do. But that cannot work. It cannot work with faith any more than it can work with prejudice. If we are going to pass laws they should be for the good of all the people, and for the protection of all the people, not just a small group which fears for its faith. Some things just should not be against human law.

I fear for myself sometimes. I talk a good game, but I don't always live it.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and do not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you would. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are plain: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. Galatians 5:16-21 Revised Standard Version

True, I do not do every one of those things, but I am guilty of some. So, the point?

If you really fulfil the royal law, according the the scripture, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," you do well. But if you show pariality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it. For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," said also, "Do not kill." If you do not commit adultery but do kill, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so act as those who are to be judged undere the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy; yet mercy triumphs over judgment. James 2:8-13 Revised Standard Version

It always comes down to forgiveness. How sad that it is so easy to forget that and heap condemnation upon others.

It's about forgiveness, people, and nothing else. Forgiveness is a by-product of love.

In the Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1 New King James Version

I started with the first first in my Bible on purpose. It symbolically represents the beginning of this blog. I guess it's my way of asking for God's favor.

The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. Genesis 1:2 New King James Version

Isn't that the way of it? God creates something. Then it is damaged, ultimately losing its form.

I expect I was a beautiful baby. All the others I've seen are, so why not? As a very young person it must have been wonderful to look into innocent eyes which could not comprehend wrongdoing. Then I aged. I learned wrongdoing. I learned violence. I learned how to do harm.

All of these things I learned damaged me. They hurt others, but they damaged me. No longer was I innocent. No longer was my spirit beautiful to behold. I had become without form, and void.

Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. Genesis 1:3 New King James Version

On the morning of my 19th birthday, 4:00 a.m. to be precise, God put light in my heart and began the process of recreation. Unfortunately, while he was able to accomplish the same task with the world in seven days (six - the seventh day he rested), it has taken much longer with me. And God doesn't get much rest in the process. In August of this year it will be 34 years since that fateful morning when I began to cease to be void and take on new form. The new form will ultimately be the same form as Christ himself. But it's taking a long time.

I would like to believe that there has been much progress over the past few years. Tragedy and distress have finally got my attention enough for me to pay attention and learn something. What I have learned best is the simplicity of God's gospel. His gospel is one of love and forgiveness. Not condemnation and hatred. So that is what I focus on.

Forgiveness is a major theme with God. The Old Testement, created by Jewish writers, reveals it over and over and over again. It's the entire New Testament gospel.

I have been reading the Quran. It is from this website. The Translator is Dr. Rashad Khalifa. I began reading it last Sunday and continued this morning. Here is some of what I read today. It is from a portion titled, 2-The Heifer (Al-Baqarah).

[2:30] Recall that your Lord said to the angels, "I am placing a representative (a temporary god) on Earth." They said, "Will You place therein one who will spread evil therein and shed blood, while we sing Your praises, glorify You, and uphold Your absolute authority?" He said, "I know what you do not know."

[2:31] He taught Adam all the names then presented them to the angels, saying, "Give me the names of these, if you are right."

[2:32] They said, "Be You glorified, we have no knowledge, except that which You have taught us. You are the Omniscient, Most Wise."

[2:33] He said, "O Adam, tell them their names." When he told them their names, He said, "Did I not tell you that I know the secrets of the heavens and the earth? I know what you declare, and what you conceal."

[2:34] When we said to the angels, "Fall prostrate before Adam," they fell prostrate, except Satan; he refused, was too arrogant, and a disbeliever.

[2:35] We said, "O Adam, live with your wife in Paradise, and eat therefrom generously, as you please, but do not approach this tree, lest you sin."

[2:36] But the devil duped them, and caused their eviction therefrom. We said, "Go down as enemies of one another. On Earth shall be your habitation and provision for awhile."

[2:37] Then, Adam received from his Lord words, whereby He redeemed him. He is the Redeemer, Most Merciful.

Of course, I am ignorant, on my own, but this is what I read from this short passage. "He redeemed him." That's forgiveness. To me, it appears the Quran begins speaking of God's forgiveness very early. If I am correct in my understanding, then the Quran is also telling us forgiveness is an important attribute of God.

Forgiveness bespeaks love. Without any love there can be no forgiveness. The greater the presence of love the greater the capacity to forgive. This is important to remember. For me, anyway.

To be loved by anyone is to be loved by God. To be forgiven by anyone is to be forgiven by God. Where God does not forgive, there is no forgiveness. Where God does not love, there is no love.

This is what I believe.